jazlikestea

Darn my late night musings! I suppose it's the time where I really "think" haha.

But it never ceases to astound me how much can transpire in a day-- let alone weeks, months, years. Facebook has faithfully (for the most part) documented many years in photos, Livejournal-words. Times where you had little friends, times where you had many. Times of hardship, pain, strife, and times of joy, contentment, and peace. Through it all, even if you had an unhappy childhood, all you can do is look back and thank God that it is over, and for the multitude of friends he has blessed you with now.

So much can happen. Be watchful of sneaky Time, lest it decides to dance by in front of your eyes, and you wake up someone different than before.

My pastor on Sunday switched things up in the English congregation. During the middle of his sermon, he had us partner up with someone from the other side of the room and sit next to each other for the rest of service. Of the questions given, he asked us to look at our partner not only as a brother and sister in Christ, but through God's eyes. Dude, talk about awkward! You could totally hear giggling happen throughout the sanctuary (myself included haha XD) as people were looking at each other, then looking away, because something like that is so...intimate. Therefore it's a bit awkward to stare into someone's eyes with an acquaintance.

In the Christian community, the phrase and prayer "see people through God's eyes" is too often thrown around haphazardly. Yes, it is a nice concept and something people can strive to do each day. However, our understanding of it is shallow. Can you imagine-- truly SEEING another person through GOD's eyes? To consider that person valuable enough to die for? To LOVE that person unconditionally?

It's something our human hearts cannot handle.

I looked into my sister's eyes and simply allowed God to show me His love for her. This emotion swelled up inside of me. I felt a portion of God's love for her. It was so, so deep. It's hard to describe, but it felt like my heart wanted to come out-- that I could do anything for this person. I had to look away because I had started crying, unstoppable tears that leaked out of my touched soul. Can I really pray that I feel this way towards each and every person I meet? Each person I see?

Can I see through God's eyes...
The man that tried to solicit me for sex?
The friend who unintentionally hurts me?
The people I judge?
The person who bothers me constantly for something?

And this love goes beyond simply me feeling it. I have to believe it. Lately I have been struggling with the concept of God loving me. For some reason, it is easier for me to accept that God loves people-- more than he loves me. Who am I that He would love me? It's a stupid lie, really, as I found out today when I was spending my quiet time with God. And as I talked to him, I began to cry. I am insecure. The Lord showed me that I had a fear-- a fear of people leaving me, walking out of my life. I had applied this human fear to God-- I had forgotten the many truths of who He was.

So He reminded me. He reminded me that He is faithful, unrelenting, and good. He is loving to all He has made. That He CREATED me, He delights in His creation. But He loves me, even during the times I choose to do something other than spend time with him, during the times I rely on myself, the times I love something else, times I refuse to surrender to Him. When I am not faithful, He is. When I am in need of His truth, He shows me. In the end, it is not about me, but who is God that He would love me?

His love is greater than we will ever know. It is greater than I can ever know. I don't understand how He can love someone like me, or a world like this, but he does. How sweet is your grace, and how sweet is your love.
Jesus, I adore you.

Time is only used as measurement, and boy is it subjective.

I near the end of the first semester of my third year in college; already I am dreading 2011 as it will be the time where I officially transition into adulthood. Of course, there is always a choice, a choice to drop out or go for another year. As with all things, I have the ability to choose; such is the gift of free will. Facebook, the ultimate tool for nostalgia, reminds me of many things. I look back and marvel the growth God has worked in my life, the people that have come and gone, the improvements made with each passing semester. I praise Him for all of these things, for it is only by His Grace and Mercy I am where I am today.

I am growing up. I went to Los Angeles this past weekend, and my two aunts I saw remarked, "Dai goh saiyah..." which means "You're all grown up now..." And yes. I am twenty, I suddenly have access to certain privileges that were not available to me in the past. As old as I think I am, I really am not. How much greater will this weight feel another 20 years down the road? I barely remember my first ten years; memories etched in my mind are fleeting. This is why I journal, so that when I look back and wonder what the heck did I do every day, I can read my journal and marvel how self absorbed I was.

Despite the growth, I am a little mournful as well. There are certain times where I think: I wish I were young again. By young, I wish to return to the naivety I had. I wish to return to the time when we were all single, all fools stumbling to find themselves. Is it any better right now? I may have found my identity and who I am in God...but I miss having the comfort and stability in my friendships. Something I learned in college (and yes, it took that long), friends are here for a season, certain friends at least. It's a hard idea to accept.

I learned something from Francis Chan about struggles. He posed the question, would you rather live a year with everything going your way, but completely fruitless and lukewarm in your relationship with God, or would you rather live a year with struggles, where things are hard, but you will be so, so intimate with Him? Yes, a part of me cries, Yes I want a year with things going my way. I want a year where I do not have to question my friendships with guys, where I do not have to worry whether or not me and another person will stay friends. I want a year where I do not have to cry, a year where there are no arguments. A year where essays flow from my fingertips like water from a spring. Yes, a part of me wants this.

But, however, regardless, despite this
My LOVE and my DESIRE for the most Holy of Beings, the Creator and my God, friend, beloved, comforter, teacher, counselor.... it overrides my worldly desires. Times will be painful, and times will be hard, but I cannot let go. I cannot let go of Jesus. He is all I have, all that is worth living for. Without Him, I am nothing. I have thrown away all things, considered all gain as loss, for the sake of knowing Jesus. It is painful, for it requires me to die to myself each and every single day. Each sarcastic and mean comment, I must smile. Each request, I must oblige to the best of my abilities. Each twinge of selfish desire, I must lift up to God. Why do I do this? Why do I deny myself? All for the sake of His Glory, who is more than worthy. The perfect Lamb who died for sinful man, I deny myself so He is greater than me. The life I live is not my own.

There used to be a deep ache inside my heart, even earlier today. I recognized it as my longing for His presence. So I prayed, and I let Him fill me with love and peace. I cannot describe it, but the sweet, sweet love of God is the greatest thing I have ever known.

Whenever I see a scene in the movie where a character destroys a room, I think to myself,

"How terrible, someone's going to have to clean that up."

And then I think about how much that sucks and how much it's a hassle. and it becomes very frustrating.
I hate those kinda scenes =_=

How comforting that in the midst of chaos, negativity, and let downs, my peace and strength comes from the One above who loves me. He is faithful. He is my crutch and my rock upon which I stand.

Eventually, whether we like it or not, we grow up.

I used to be a girl, a selfish and insecure girl. Her mind consisted of boys and romance, video games and TV shows. Growing came very slowly. Each year seemed the same. I didn't see any personal growth, or spiritual growth. I was stagnant, despite my physical growth and changes. I gave my parents hell. I did poorly in school. I was a blatant hypocrite.

Then I went to college, and then I started to grow. Not too fast, but I was growing, leaning to stand on my own two feet and realize who I really was outside of my home. I learned how to compromise, I learned how to seek God when you don't have parents nagging you to wake up for service.

Then sophomore year was when the ish hit the fan, the say the least. LOL Surprisingly, sort of. God really began to work in me, helping me be more bold in my faith, seeking Him more and more, and more of You and less of me. It keeps escalating. There was a prayer conference, I opened up to the more elder women at church. Mid second semester, going to Compton/downtown Los Angeles impacted me more than I thought it would. It exposed me to different people and cultures, and God really, really showed me His love for everyone. Truly. The feeling inside...I cannot describe it. I was filled with this love, this love for the homeless, the broken hearted, for this world. And He showed me how important prayer is. It can make or break your day.

So from the many times God shows or teaches me something, there is always an application, or follow up. Will I practice what I learned? Will I take the extra step to read His Word daily? Devotedly? I did. My sole, I took the plunge and it's been a zippidee doo da ride ever since. I finally, FINALLY began to discipline myself and read it every day. I mean there was like, one day a week where I didn't have enough time, but God is gracious and understanding. He was coo with it. Man I love Him.

Through this, I find myself wanting to be more of an encouragement, a vessel used to bless others. Following the example of my mother, I like to feed people. And every day, I am still fighting against my selfish self. Lord, more of You and less of me!!!!

My counselor/friend from way back in high school, Alison, has been going through a rough time with her mother having cancer (please keep her in your prayers). And when I saw her at work, just crying, my heart went out to her, so I dragged her into the conference room and prayed.

God what have you done
What have you done for me
TO me

She tells me today, 
"i've seen you grow a lot in the last 2 years

Sometimes I feel like a silly girl. A young silly girl.

Like what will it feel like when someone kisses me? Shoot, I felt that in a dream, not real life. But still. Then I pucker up my lips, close my eyes, and then I visualize myself doing that, to which I laugh inwardly, but I still do it. It's like giving a kiss to yourself in the mirror. Kinda. I don't know, I did it when I was younger! >_> I'm sure you have too!

Point is, there is so, so much I have yet to discover. emotions to feel, people to meet, events to experience.

I suppose in many ways, I am still innocent.
And to be honest, I'm scared that I'm going to wake up one day and find my innocence gone.

I hate love. I think the whole world would do a lot better without it.

I mean really, it's all fine and dandy for those who ARE in love, or infatuation, and what not, but what of those who don't have someone? Who are alone? Completely? Totally? And then a friend walks back into your life and you're suddenly reminded of all the good times, and there's that hope.

That damned, shiny beacon of hope that makes you dream, that makes you wish for things you shouldn't be wishing for.

Then in a panic, you suddenly try and bring up reasons, logic that will convince you that this is a waste of your time. He's never going to like you, and that's that.

And you realize, suddenly, at the peak of desperation and relief, that you want it. You want it so much it hurts. The raw intensity of the emotion of longing. You want what couples have you want Love. You want to be loved.

Is it the same? It's like two different parts of me. The world, and the spiritual. God's love, it fulfills me all the way to the brim and then some.

But WHY do I want the world? Why is the Bible so right about everything?!

Dammit why, I hate this circle and I want it to end. I hate the world. I hate my flesh. and I hate wanting something I know I shouldn't have.

And until I don't want it anymore, that's when I am ready to have it.

I HAVE TRUMPED YOU, LIZ!!!!

Nice boys make me think.

Thinking is bad, because it turns my mind from You

Nice boys make me wonder

Wondering is bad, because I begin to wonder about my future, and not Your wonders.

Nice boys make me wish

Wishing is bad, because I am not satisfied with what You've given me

Nice boys are just nice boys
You are my Love, my Creator, My Peace
And you carry me close to your heart

And so I choose to think, wonder, and wish about You
The small whispers of prayer
That remind me You Are

The way I see it, music is wonderful. I love it, I really do.

But I'm not freaking obsessed with it. Okay, not obsessed, but music is not my life. I don't have an ipod earphone plugged into my ear 24/7. Actually, I don't even have an ipod. The only way I get my music is from the radio and church. But I know some people...okay I'm not hating on them, but seriously, they'll die without music. And I have to wonder, what it's like to lay in bed and bear the silence. Can people handle silence now adays? Do they even remember what birds sound like, or the way wind moves through the trees? Or is everyone blocking out the sounds of the world they live in?

I love walking. It always reminds me of the time before cars, when the only way to get around was by walking. Jesus walked. He also rode on a donkey. I want to try that. LOL.

I like classical music, I like playing on the piano...I like video game music and movie music. I'm not too big on the secular music. To be honest, I could live with listening to Christian worship music for the rest of my life. Why? Whenever I listen to songs like that, I'm reminded of God, and how good He is to us. Call me prude, I don't care, but that's the reason why I only listen to "Positive Alternative" music. Well, not only. I enjoy listening to other music as well...but I'm not going to waste my money buying them so I can listen to them. God's really the center of my life, and I want to think about Him as often as I can!!! <3

So, can you hear the Sound of Melodies? To walk as our ancestors did, to soak in His glory present in everything around us.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Amazing. <3 This video actually made me cry. 

It's so true though. We need to hug people more, random strangers even. 
Or even more importantly, when was the last time you hugged your family? 

A hug can definately brighten someone's day. I know that applies to me.

Trip to LA!


Taken on the way to Los Angeles. The fields of...wheat? XD Or weeds, who knows, very pretty! :3 I wanted a closeup, since there was a traffic jam anyways...but nah. Couldn't get out of the car.


Gorgeous sunset I saw on the way...
Neways, that was fun. Almost got into a car accident [Crazy LA drivers...] BUT we scraped through, and LIVED!
Now onto the main event:

ANIME EXPO 2006 BABYY!!!

Heck I wasn't even planning on going until a day or two before LA, I called up Nette and uh, we planned to go on the same day with her cousins. Hecka fun. :D 

I'm an emo kid. Boo hoo.

Sick of friends joining myspace.
So I join livejournal again.
Hooray!

8B